A Lesson In My Score
As a Christian educator, I have been contemplating for a long time a blog post that I wanted to write to Christian students. I had a general idea of how I wanted to start it and what I wanted it to say. But, I could never get a real peace about the tone and approach I wanted to take. I wanted to encourage kids, not condemn them. I wanted to edify them, not criticize them. I wanted them to take notice of the contradictory messages that they send not only their peers but their unbelieving teachers too - but lately, I have realized that I would only be be picking at the speck in their eyes, while ignoring the plank in my own.
A week or so ago, the state released some data. Sigh. If you’re an educator, you probably, immediately can empathize with me and you may think you know where I might be going with this post. The scores were not great. They were now at all what I had expected them to be.
I could wax on and on about the messed up metric and how unfair the system is. However, all of that just would just sound as if I have been feasting on sour grapes.
I could monologue about how I don’t teach to a test or need the state to validate the good job I know I am doing. They can’t measure the relationships I have built with my students or the impact I know I have made.
I could recite all I have learned about having a growth mindset and embracing the opportunity that this is affording me to develop as teacher, to become better and to “get ‘em next year.”
I could complain about the added scrutiny of my procedures and the extra trainings I am being asked to attend, along with the frustration of being labeled by a number that inaccurately defines what my students and I accomplished last year.
Oh, but see, how easy it is for me to slip into this diatribe that sounds like I need to defend myself?
As a first-born, I am a natural people pleaser. As whatever number enneagram I am, I want to do things the right way. As a legalistic, rule follower, I expect that if I do all the “right” things, I will get the desired, expected results. As a follower of Jesus I want to honor and glorify Him by doing all things to the best of my abilities.
All of these personality factors have left me with a lot of heavy emotions and shedding more tears than I care to admit. Did I let my students down? My school? Myself? My God?
Yet, God has seen and heard all of this - from my lips, from my thoughts and from my heart.
He has not sat idly by, silent. He has spoken through my daily Bible readings, my pastor’s sermons, my small group’s text stream, my “chance” meeting with a retired administrator at Publix, my husband’s cheerleading, my students’ “Heartwork” messages, and many more.
You see - like He specifically created Ezekiel, for the task of being a prophet for His chosen people, so He created me for my specific students, He asked this man to do hard things, and the tasks He is asking me to do are not easy either. Actually, mine pale in comparison to what God asked that man to do.
No, my “number” will not be put on my tombstone one day. I will not be remembered in the long term by it and I am known by my admin, my colleagues, my students, and my family as so much more.
Yes, it is easy to make my score my focus and to become absorbed into actual and perceived ramifications, but there are bigger things happening in my world. This is simply a distraction to keep me from being the light He has called me to be, from allowing God to use me for His purposes, from remembering that His ways/purposes are higher than mine. He is doing something more than scores. He is actively growing me.
These are the very truths that I wanted to share with Christian students in a blog post. But God said, “Tara, I think this is still a lesson you are learning.” We are all, regardless of age, position, length of time we’ve walked with Jesus - still learning, growing and becoming. Thank You Lord for Your grace.
Thank You Lord for a score that caused me to pause, to reevaluate and to walk closer to You.
